The National Santa Shortage – the North Pole responds

With the news that Australia is facing a critical shortage of Santas this Christmas, KPMG asked Brendan Richards, who has a hotline to the North Pole, to get the lowdown on this emerging crisis.

Brendan spoke to Santa’s Head of Elf Resources (HER), Barbara.

@keastie74

Barbara

Hello Brendan. How can I help you today?

BR

Hi Barbara, I am calling about the Santa shortage we are experiencing in Australia and just wondering how you are responding to things in the North Pole.

Barbara

Well, firstly Brendan, thank you so much for calling. We really appreciate you taking the time to share your concerns with us, and I can assure you that those concerns will be taken very seriously and treated with respect.

BR

That’s great. So, what is happening with the Santa shortage?

Barbara

Obviously, this is a concerning situation Brendan and if things don’t turn around in that vertical, we are going to have to pivot. What I want to assure all Australians is that those of us in Santa’s ER department are doing all the heavy lifting on this project and pushing the envelope in every respect.

BR

I’m sure that is somehow encouraging, but what is actually happening?

Barbara

Well, the current Australian Santa Situation is emerging as an issue of global concern and the role of the North Pole has been to support the efforts of Australian authorities by partnering through innovative programs for an enlightened dialogue and action on the ground, as well as by supporting North Pole-Australian cooperation.

BR

And exactly what does that involve? Does that mean we are getting more Santas or are we going to have to make do with the Santa’s Helpers currently available?

Barbara

Exactly.

BR

What?

Barbara

I’m not sure how I can make this any clearer Brendan. We have taken a commitment position that our posture vis-à-vis the Australian Santa Situation needs a sizing that will enable us to enhance competitive positions and address the surplus of Christmas devotees that have placed unforeseen pressures on our Santa Helpers.

BR

So… you’re saying that there are too many people coming to see a Santa Helper rather than a shortage of Santa Helpers themselves?

Barbara

I think it’s far too early to make those sort of judgments Brendan, but it is certainly a possibility that, no doubt, will reveal itself over time. In the meantime, what we have to do is take both eventualities into account and ensure that we avoid any professional disharmony synergies while we wait for that reveal.

BR

But Christmas is only days away.

Barbara

Once again, you’re on to it Brendan. Once Christmas for 2021 has elapsed we will be able to conduct a full review into the Australian Santa Situation and my colleagues and I are fully confident that the perceived crisis will have resolved itself at that time. Of course, if it doesn’t, we are certainly prepared for that eventuality as well and will do some blue sky thinking that will lead to a leading edge solution. We fully expect to be through the testing phase and ready for implementation by the 26th of December 2022 although I, for one, am not fully convinced it will be needed then either. Still, if anyone can boil the ocean and come up with a game-changing paradigm shift that bucks the trend, it will be those of us in ER.

BR

But Christmas is December 25th. How does having something ready for December 26th help anything.

Barbara

Well, it certainly doesn’t hurt and based on our research is a far more optimal solution than our original target of December 27th. To be honest with you Brendan, that sort of negativity is certainly not helping anyone and, if I can be so bold, I would encourage you to adopt more of the festive spirit of the season.

BR

How does Santa feel about this?

Barbara

I haven’t had an opportunity to address this with Santa as yet. We’ve been too busy identifying the solution to have the time to talk to Santa about the problem, but I do have a meeting scheduled with Santa on the 29th and, if the Australian Santa Situation is still an issue, I will certainly bring it up with him then.

BR

Ok. Thanks for clearing that up for us here in Australia.

Barbara

My pleasure Brendan. As I said, we in ER are only too happy to address any concerns you might have about anything that is happening at the North Pole or in any of our affiliates around the world. Is there anything else I can help you with?

BR

No, I think I just need a cup of tea and a lie down.

Barbara

That’s the spirit. Bye for now.

Share

One thought on “The National Santa Shortage – the North Pole responds

Add a comment