Christmas, COVID and the scourge of Fairy Dust: an interview with Santa’s Chief H’elf Officer, Brian

COVID-19 has been a major issue for the world this year and disrupted almost every facet of life. Sadly, that disruption extends to the yuletide season with authorities imposing all sorts of restrictions on family interactions with the local Santa representative. The question begs, “has COVID-19 disrupted the goings on at the North Pole?”

As you know, KPMG’s resident logistics expert, Brendan Richards has a hotline to Santa HQ and we asked him to get in touch to find out how the pandemic has impacted festive operations. Brendan spoke to Santa’s Chief H’elf Officer, Brian.

Chief-H_Elf-Officer, Brian @keastie74

Brian

Is everyone right to go? Okay…

BR

Brian, thanks for taking the time to chat with me at this very busy time of year.

Brian

It’s the right thing to do Brendan. I intend to be here at exactly the same time every day for the next 100 days, even though I am very busy doing busy things.

BR

COVID has been a major issue right around the world in 2020 – how has it impacted things at the North Pole?

Brian

From our perspective, COVID is not really a problem. Elves don’t catch it and nor does Santa. If we did, it still wouldn’t matter as we are already socially distanced – you can’t get much farther away than the North Pole Brendan. However, while COVID isn’t an issue, we have had a serious health concern with an outbreak of Fairy Dust.

BR

What’s the problem with Fairy Dust?

Brian

Fairy Dust is a magical substance created by Fairies in the Enchanted Kingdom. The dust has several magical properties and, when you get an Elf infection, the results can be quite nasty. Elves regress into a childlike state, are able to see Fairies, start turning invisible and changing into other things. The Easter Bunny is hooked on the stuff – no one has seen him for years.

BR

What sort of things do infected elves change into?

Brian

That’s the problem – could be anything. Pizza box, toys, signposts. Once Fairy Dust is out there, you can’t see it. Bob turned into a pair of Santa’s underpants, which was a bit awkward to say the least.

BR

Are reindeer affected?

Brian

They have herd immunity.

BR

Wow. Lucky for them.

Brian

Yes, but for the rest of us it’s dangerous stuff. There’s also a mutated version called Pixie Dust that causes hallucinations, which can become violent if mixed with other substances. Once an elf has a dose of that and gets on the eggnog, all hell can break loose.

BR

Pixie Dust??!! Who knew Pixies were a problem as well?

Brian

Don’t be ridiculous Brendan. Pixies aren’t real. It’s just the name we give the mutation.

BR

So, as Chief H’elf Officer, what’s the plan?

Brian

Well, we’ve been in touch with other Health Officers around the world and sought their advice. We’ve taken many of the same steps – distancing, travel restrictions, wearing of masks…

BR

Do masks help?

Brian

Certainly do with the more unattractive elves, Brendan. Gives the rest of us hope. What we have worked out is that it really only impacts the elderly and those with co-morbidities, but the problem is every elf is old and Santa is also horizontally challenged.

BR

I guess that just leaves the big question then… will there still be a Christmas?

Brian

Absolutely! As long as everyone follows the rules, and those rules are very clear. Don’t leave the house for any reason, unless you have a reason to leave the house. All businesses remain closed, unless they need to stay open. Work from home, unless you have to go to work. Don’t gather together in public places, unless you are queuing for a test to see if you are infectious. Wear a mask, unless you have a reason not to wear one and, above all, stay calm – unless you have run out of toilet paper.

BR

Good advice Brian

Brian

I’m here every day, same time, for the next 100 days Brendan, unless I’m not.

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